Say what you need.
Act with kindness.
Start with: “I need”
Many of us are quick to complain and criticise our partners when things aren’t going well between us. Yet behind most blaming and complaining is an unmet need. Instead of trading criticisms or communicating in a hurtful or unproductive way, take a moment, step back and think: What is it I need? What is it you need? Commit to expressing what you need rather than what you don’t and encourage your partner to do the same.
Find ways to listen for the unmet need your partner is requesting and react with kindness. Or lead by example and ask for what you need from your partner, rather than highlighting what you don’t want. All of us need to feel our views are valued, accepted and heard and we need to ensure we’re doing the same for our partner.
DON’T SAY: “You’re always late!”
SAY: “I really need you here at dinnertime with the teenagers”
DON’T SAY: ”You don’t understand the pressure I have at work”
SAY: “I need you to understand that I’m struggling at work.”
DON’T SAY: “Why can’t you ever be happy.”
SAY: There’s really something upsetting you. What is it?
be a needs detective
Behind most blaming and complaining is an unmet need. Instead of trading criticisms or communicating in a hurtful or unproductive way, take a moment, step back and think: What is it I need? What is it you need?
table talk – we all have conflict
It’s not about avoiding conflict. It’s your approach to dealing with conflict that counts.
table talk – language used makes all the difference
Sometimes when we share, we use different words and as a result miss that we want the same thing.
table talk – live for today vs security
How do we communicate our needs when we are wanting fundamentally different things?
table talk – need emotional support, not problems solved
Sometimes when someone say they want something specific, at a higher level they’re really asking support.
table talk – she needs to know it’s going to be ok
Underneath the worry and stress probably is someone just wanting to hear it’s going to be all ok.